What are Alt Threes? A Guide to Ethical Non-Monogamy

Exploring relationship dynamics beyond the traditional couple structure often leads to discussions about ethical non-monogamy, and one such arrangement gaining traction is the alt threes, an alternative to traditional threesomes. Polyamory advocates, such as those found in organizations like Loving More, offer resources that highlight the importance of consent and communication in navigating these relationships. Open relating, a key element in ethical non-monogamy, emphasizes honesty and transparency, principles that also guide the formation and maintenance of alt threes. Communication tools and apps, like Feeld, facilitate connections among individuals interested in exploring these alternative relationship structures, prompting many to ask, "what are alt threes" and how they differ from other forms of non-monogamy?

Unveiling the World of Alternative Threesomes (Alt Threes)

Welcome to the world of Alt Threes! It’s a space where relationships expand beyond the traditional dyad, embracing connection and intimacy in diverse and ethical ways. This guide aims to illuminate the landscape of Alt Threes, providing insights into what they are and how to navigate them thoughtfully.

The term "Alt Threes," short for Alternative Threesomes, encompasses a range of three-person relationships that prioritize ethical considerations and open communication. They are built on a foundation of respect, consent, and a genuine desire for meaningful connection among all involved.

Defining Alt Threes: Beyond the Traditional

At its core, an Alt Three is a relationship involving three individuals who are all actively and willingly participating. It’s more than just adding a third person to an existing dynamic.

It’s about creating a new relational ecosystem where each person’s needs, desires, and boundaries are valued and respected.

These relationships can take many forms, differing in structure, commitment levels, and the nature of the connections involved.

What unites them is a shared commitment to ethical non-monogamy (ENM) principles, meaning honesty, transparency, and ongoing communication are paramount.

The Cornerstones: Ethics and Communication

The success of any Alt Three hinges on two crucial elements: ethics and communication. Without them, the foundation crumbles.

Ethical considerations ensure that everyone involved feels safe, respected, and empowered. This means prioritizing enthusiastic consent, establishing clear boundaries, and actively working to create a dynamic where everyone can thrive.

Open and honest communication is the lifeline of an Alt Three. It allows for the ongoing negotiation of needs and expectations, the proactive addressing of concerns, and the cultivation of deeper understanding and intimacy among all partners.

A Positive Vision: Fulfilling Connections

While navigating Alt Threes requires intentionality and effort, the potential rewards are significant. These relationships can offer unique opportunities for:

• Deepening intimacy: Exploring different facets of connection with multiple partners.
• Expanding emotional capacity: Cultivating empathy, compersion, and resilience.
• Personal growth: Learning more about oneself and one’s relational needs and desires.

By approaching Alt Threes with respect, thoughtfulness, and a commitment to ethical practices, you can create fulfilling and enriching relationships that expand your understanding of love, connection, and intimacy. This guide will provide a foundation for doing just that.

Laying the Groundwork: Understanding Key Concepts in Alt Threes

This section is dedicated to laying the vital groundwork for understanding Alt Threes.

We will explore the foundational concepts crucial for navigating these unique relationships with awareness and intention.

We’ll define exactly what constitutes an Alt Three, place it within the broader context of Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM), and identify the key emotional intelligence skills that contribute to thriving within these dynamics.

Defining Alt Threes: More Than Just a Number

What exactly is an Alt Three?

It’s more than simply adding a third person to an existing relationship.

It’s a conscious and ethical agreement between three individuals to build a relationship that acknowledges and respects the needs and desires of everyone involved.

Alt Threes are characterized by diverse configurations.

They are also characterized by ethical structures that prioritize consent, open communication, and equality among all participants.

This means that everyone has a voice, everyones boundaries are honored.
And the well-being of each person is a central concern.

Unlike some less-considered approaches to three-person dynamics, Alt Threes are built on a foundation of mutual respect and shared agency.

Consent must be enthusiastic, ongoing, and fully informed.

It cannot be assumed, coerced, or withdrawn.

Communication must be clear, honest, and frequent, creating an open space where everyone feels safe to express their needs and concerns.

Equality, while not always perfectly achievable in practice, should be a guiding principle.

Everyone’s contributions and perspectives are valued, and efforts are made to balance power dynamics within the relationship.

Navigating the ENM Landscape: A Spectrum of Relationship Styles

Alt Threes exist within the larger landscape of Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM).

ENM is the umbrella term for relationship styles that openly and honestly challenge traditional monogamous norms.

It’s important to understand the various flavors of ENM to appreciate the specific nuances of Alt Threes and to better communicate your own relational preferences.

Here are a few common terms you’ll encounter:

Polyamory: Multiple Loving Relationships

Polyamory, meaning "many loves", describes the practice of having multiple loving relationships with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved.

Polyamorous relationships prioritize emotional intimacy and connection alongside physical intimacy.

Open Relationship: Allowing Outside Sexual/Romantic Relationships

An open relationship typically involves a primary partnership where both individuals agree that it is acceptable to pursue sexual or romantic relationships with other people.

The specific rules and boundaries vary widely from couple to couple, and open communication is essential for maintaining trust and respect.

Closed Triad/Closed Throuple: Monogamous Within the Group

In a closed triad, also known as a closed throuple, the three individuals involved are exclusively dating each other.

They are essentially monogamous, but as a group of three instead of a pair.

There is no interest in pursuing romantic or sexual connections outside of the triad.

Open Triad/Open Throuple: Open to Outside Partners

Conversely, an open triad or open throuple involves a three-person relationship where one or more members are open to pursuing relationships with people outside of the group.

As with open relationships, clear communication and agreed-upon boundaries are critical for navigating the complexities of this dynamic.

Vee: One Person Dating Two Others Who Are Not Dating Each Other

A "vee" describes a relationship structure where one person is dating two other people, but those two people are not dating each other.

Visually, the relationship resembles the letter "V".

This configuration can present unique challenges, especially regarding fairness, communication, and the potential for one side of the "V" to feel excluded.

Cultivating Emotional Intelligence: Skills for Thriving

Navigating any relationship, but particularly a non-traditional one like an Alt Three, requires a high degree of emotional intelligence.

Two crucial skills for thriving in Alt Threes are compersion and effective jealousy management.

Compersion: Cultivating Joy from a Partner’s Happiness

Compersion is essentially the opposite of jealousy.

It’s the feeling of joy and happiness that you experience when your partner is happy, even if that happiness stems from a relationship or experience they’re having with someone else.

Cultivating compersion takes practice and self-awareness.

It requires shifting your mindset from a place of scarcity ("my partner’s love for someone else diminishes their love for me") to a place of abundance ("my partner’s capacity for love is infinite, and their happiness enriches our relationship").

Jealousy (and Its Management): Strategies for Addressing Jealousy Constructively

Jealousy is a common human emotion.

It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong, or that the relationship is doomed to fail.

What matters is how you manage your jealousy.

Suppressing jealousy can lead to resentment and passive-aggressive behavior.

Instead, acknowledge the feeling, explore its roots (what is triggering your jealousy?), and communicate your needs and concerns openly and honestly with your partners.

Develop strategies for managing jealousy constructively.

These strategies may include: reassurance from your partners, spending quality time together, setting clear boundaries, and engaging in self-care activities to boost your own self-esteem and sense of security.

Sometimes, seeking guidance from a therapist specializing in ENM can provide valuable tools and support for navigating the complexities of jealousy in Alt Threes.

Essential Pillars: Ethics and Communication in Alt Threes

This section highlights the cornerstones of successful Alt Threes relationships: ethics and communication.

It emphasizes the importance of open dialogue, enthusiastic consent, clear boundaries, and skillful negotiation in creating a healthy and respectful dynamic.

Alt Threes, like any relationship structure, thrive on a solid foundation of ethical considerations and clear communication.

These are not merely suggested guidelines; they are the essential pillars upon which a healthy, respectful, and fulfilling Alt Three relationship is built.

The Power of Communication: The Lifeline of Alt Threes

Communication is not just important in Alt Threes; it’s non-negotiable.

It’s the very lifeline that sustains the relationship, allowing for understanding, connection, and the resolution of conflicts.

Open, honest, and regular conversations about needs, desires, and concerns are paramount.

This means creating a safe space where everyone feels comfortable expressing themselves without fear of judgment or reprisal.

Practical Communication Tips

• Schedule regular check-ins: Dedicate time for intentional conversations.

• Practice active listening: Truly hear what your partners are saying.

• Use "I" statements: Express your feelings and needs clearly.

• Be honest, even when it’s difficult: Honesty fosters trust and intimacy.

• Seek mediation if needed: A therapist can help facilitate difficult conversations.

The Primacy of Consent: Ensuring Everyone Feels Empowered

Consent is not a one-time event; it’s an ongoing process.

It must be enthusiastic, informed, and freely given for every interaction, whether physical, emotional, or relational.

Ensuring all parties feel empowered to express their boundaries and desires is crucial.

This means fostering a culture of respect and actively listening to and honoring each other’s needs.

Fostering Empowerment

• Regularly check in: Ask each partner how they’re feeling about the dynamic.

• Encourage open communication about boundaries: Make it safe to say "no".

• Respect individual autonomy: Each person has the right to make their own choices.

• Educate yourselves on consent: Understand the nuances of enthusiastic consent.

Boundaries as Building Blocks: Defining Your Comfort Zone

Boundaries are essential for safety, comfort, and respect in any relationship, and especially so in the complex dynamics of an Alt Three.

They are the building blocks that define each individual’s comfort zone and ensure that everyone feels safe and respected.

Establishing, communicating, and respecting personal boundaries is paramount for maintaining a healthy and sustainable relationship.

How to Establish and Maintain Boundaries

• Identify your needs and limits: What are you comfortable with? What are you not?

• Communicate your boundaries clearly and directly: Don’t assume others know.

• Be willing to negotiate: Boundaries can be flexible and adaptable.

• Respect the boundaries of others: Even if you don’t understand them.

• Enforce your boundaries: Be consistent in upholding them.

The Art of Negotiation: Creating Mutually Agreeable Rules

Negotiation is a crucial skill for creating mutually agreeable relationship rules within an Alt Three.

It involves discussing expectations, needs, and limitations openly and honestly to find solutions that work for everyone involved.

This requires empathy, compromise, and a willingness to understand each other’s perspectives.

Effective Negotiation Strategies

• Set aside dedicated time for negotiation: Avoid rushed conversations.

• Come prepared to discuss your needs and expectations: Be clear about what you want.

• Listen actively to your partners’ perspectives: Try to understand their needs.

• Be willing to compromise: Finding solutions that work for everyone may require flexibility.

• Document your agreements: Writing things down can help avoid misunderstandings.

Formalizing Your Dynamic: Relationship Agreements

Creating relationship agreements can provide clarity and structure to the Alt Three dynamic.

These agreements outline the terms of the relationship, including roles, responsibilities, boundaries, and expectations.

While not legally binding, they serve as a valuable tool for communication and accountability.

Components of a Relationship Agreement

• Defining roles and responsibilities: Who does what in the relationship?

• Outlining boundaries: What are the limits of the relationship?

• Establishing communication protocols: How will you communicate about important issues?

• Addressing potential conflicts: How will you resolve disagreements?

• Reviewing and updating the agreement: Agreements should be revisited periodically.

Prioritizing Safety: Safer Sex Practices

Prioritizing safety, including safer sex practices, is paramount in any intimate relationship, including Alt Threes.

This involves open and honest communication about sexual health, regular testing for STIs, and consistent use of barrier methods.

Key Safer Sex Practices

• Discuss sexual health history openly: Be transparent about your past and present.

• Get tested for STIs regularly: Know your status and protect your partners.

• Use barrier methods consistently: Condoms and dental dams reduce the risk of transmission.

• Communicate about comfort levels and boundaries: Ensure everyone feels safe and respected.

• Educate yourselves about safer sex: Stay informed about best practices.

Navigating the Landscape: Considerations and Potential Challenges

Entering the world of Alt Threes offers the potential for profound connection and growth. However, like any relationship structure, it’s crucial to navigate the landscape with awareness and intention. This section addresses potential challenges and important considerations for those exploring or currently in Alt Threes relationships, emphasizing the need for ethical practices, realistic expectations, and a commitment to individual and collective well-being.

Ethical vs. Exploitative: Avoiding Unicorn Hunting

One of the most critical distinctions to make is between ethical Alt Threes and exploitative situations, particularly unicorn hunting. Unicorn hunting refers to a couple seeking a bisexual woman (the "unicorn") to join their relationship, often with unequal power dynamics and a lack of genuine consideration for the unicorn’s needs and desires.

In a healthy Alt Three, all members are treated as individuals with equal agency and autonomy. The focus should be on building genuine connections, not simply fulfilling a pre-defined role or fantasy.

To ensure an ethical dynamic:

• Prioritize individual connections and relationships.
• Ensure everyone has a voice in decision-making.
• Actively listen to and respect the boundaries of all partners.
• Avoid placing undue pressure on any one individual.

Embracing Diversity: The Myriad Structures of Alt Threes

Alt Threes are not a monolith. They exist in a multitude of configurations, each with its own unique dynamic and set of agreements. There’s no single "right" way to build an Alt Three; the key is to create a structure that works for everyone involved.

Consider these diverse possibilities:

• Triad: All three members are in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with each other.
• Vee: One person is dating two others who are not dating each other.
• Quad: Two couples come together to form a larger group relationship.

The structure can be fluid and evolve over time. Open communication and a willingness to adapt are essential for navigating the complexities of diverse Alt Three arrangements. Regularly check in with each other to ensure that the current configuration still meets everyone’s needs.

Realistic Expectations: Facing the Realities of ENM

Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) relationships, including Alt Threes, are not without their challenges. It’s crucial to approach these relationships with realistic expectations and a willingness to address potential difficulties head-on.

Common challenges include:

• Scheduling: Coordinating schedules and finding quality time for each relationship can be complex.
• Emotional Complexity: Managing multiple relationships can require a high level of emotional intelligence and self-awareness.
• Societal Stigma: Facing judgment or misunderstanding from friends, family, or society at large can be difficult.
• Jealousy: While compersion is the goal, jealousy is a natural human emotion that needs to be addressed constructively.

By acknowledging these challenges and developing strategies for managing them, you can create a more resilient and fulfilling Alt Three. Prioritize open communication, empathy, and a commitment to working through difficulties together.

Seeking Professional Guidance: The Importance of Therapy

Navigating the complexities of Alt Threes can be significantly easier with the guidance of a therapist specializing in ENM or polyamory. These therapists have the knowledge and experience to help you address specific challenges, improve communication, and develop healthy relationship dynamics.

A therapist can assist with:

• Facilitating difficult conversations.
• Managing jealousy and other difficult emotions.
• Developing healthy communication patterns.
• Addressing power imbalances.
• Creating and maintaining healthy boundaries.

Finding a therapist who understands and validates your relationship structure can be invaluable. Don’t hesitate to seek professional support when needed.

Prioritizing Well-being: Mental Health Matters

Finally, prioritizing mental health is paramount for everyone involved in an Alt Three. Engaging in any form of relationship, especially one that deviates from societal norms, can bring both joy and stress. Addressing mental health concerns proactively is crucial for maintaining individual and collective well-being.

Consider these practices:

• Regular self-care activities.
• Mindfulness and meditation.
• Journaling.
• Connecting with supportive friends and family.

If you are struggling with anxiety, depression, or other mental health concerns, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. Your mental health is just as important as the health of your relationships.

So, that’s the gist of what are alt threes. Like any relationship style, it takes communication, respect, and a willingness to learn and grow together. Whether you’re just curious or seriously considering exploring this path, remember to prioritize ethical practices and create a dynamic that feels right for everyone involved. Good luck navigating the exciting world of ethical non-monogamy!